Perfectionism prevents you from enjoying sex

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If in bed you think whether you look good, are you skilled and technical enough, whether your partner is satisfied with you, then most likely you will not be able to enjoy sex. Experts explain: anxiety is the main enemy of excitement, especially in women.

When Victoria first began dating a guy in his student years, she was naive, uncertain in herself and was afraid that he would abandon her if she would not be in bed in bed. Victoria was worried exclusively about his pleasure, ignoring her. I tried my best to make an unforgettable impression and satisfy the partner so that he wanted her again and again.

“So it was with my first man, then with those with whom I spent one night, and with the second permanent partner. This is a pattern of behavior that cannot be taken and disabled, ”she says.

Now Victoria is 23, and she was terribly tired of portraying a fake orgasm. She would finally learn to manage her sexuality. But all these years she was so absorbed by the idea of being a perfect partner that she is not able to enjoy sex and still does not understand how possible.

“Even with my current friend, with whom we have been together for two years, I have been in great disappointment in this regard.

Nakon zaustavljanja izgovarane riječi, spol prestaje: Članovi, prsti se uklanjaju, poljupci, ugrizi zaustavljaju. Bilo što. Točka. Završio za komediju. Partneri otkrivaju zašto je zaustavljanje riječi proglašeno da je tadalafil pliva promijeniti ili popraviti kako bi se ponovno ugodno. I samo uz dopuštenje onoga koji je zaustavio igru ​​može se nastaviti.

He does not know anything and thinks that everything is fine, but discontent is accumulating in me. And all because of sex, ”she admits.

Victoria is not alone in this. There are many people whose sexual life poisons perfectionism. Sexologist Ien Kerner confirms that this is a fairly common phenomenon: people are pressed on the idea that you need to often have sex, always be ready for him, strive for a variety of poses and techniques and be sure to bring a partner/partner to orgasm.

Such perfectionism often makes a person play during sex “The role of an observer”, which does not plunge into the process, but all the time evaluates himself from the side. Kerner notes that this can increase the level of anxiety and stress that prevent excitement. This is especially true for women.

“Studies were conducted in which scientists with the help of a tomograph studied what changes occur in the brain in men and women during masturbation and orgasm,” says Kerner. – When comparing the reaction of the male and female brain, it turned out that the more excitement was in women, the stronger the activity was suppressed in those zones of the brain that are associated with stress and anxiety ”.

As the orgasm approaches, women enter a state close to trance. But this happens only if certain zones of the brain are inactive. Therefore, if during sex they are focused on achieving some goals, then they may experience anxiety that prevents the excitement.

During the study, conducted recently at the University of Kent, the long -term consequences were studied, which perfectionism has on sexual life. In particular, it turned out that women who believe that the partner imposes incredibly high demands on them, were predisposed to sexual dysfunctions. This included expectations regarding their appearance, readiness to often have sex and try different poses.

This perfectionism, imposed by a partner, increases anxiety and contributes to a low self -esteem of women, which affects the ability to enjoy sex. Rachel Sassman, a family psychotherapist, says that often among the couples who turn to her for help, one of the spouses has such perfectionist demands. They may complain that the second scored a couple of extra pounds, does not dress like that or has not become so sexually attractive.

For a happy sexual life, it is necessary that the partners make it clear to each other that they are desirable

“When these reproaches sound from the mouth of a man, a woman usually begins to think about herself:“ I am not good enough, I’m not beautiful enough, not sexy enough, ”Sassman explains. – Well, how can she be sensual after that? Will she have a rush to tear off her clothes and have passionate, dirty sex?”

Of course, in the ideal version, the partner will never force a woman to complex because of her appearance. Sassman emphasizes that for a happy sexual life it is necessary that the partners make it clear to each other that they are desirable. Agreeing with this, Kerner notes that anxiety is especially interfering with an early stage of excitement. As the excitation increases in the brain, a real neurochemical “cocktail” is produced, which contributes to more and more complete emancipation.

Women who are inhibited by their own invented standards, as well as those who are suppressed by the perfectionist demands of partners in order to reduce anxiety, need to try to achieve a higher degree of excitation. “You can fantasize during sex, share fantasies with a partner, watch (ethical) porn,” Kerner advises.

For women like Victoria, it is also important to start discussing with a partner what they like and do not like in sex: poses, environment, lighting, clothes, erogenous areas.

“What difficult issues are we do not discuss with partners: money, problems at work and friends, economic affairs, parents of each other, and so on,” says Kerner. – In the end, talking about sex is not so different from conversations on many other topics. “.

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